Question:

Recently a friend of my brother came to me ask me regarding what to do on the first night when he meets his wife for the first time. I want to know the various rules according to Shari’ah which a man must follow on the first night.  Also, I want to know what a man should be conscious of during his first night?

Answer

In the Name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful.

As-salāmu ‘alaykum wa-rahmatullāhi wa-barakātuh.

The first night of marriage is a very special and memorable occasion for the married couple.  The feelings of excitement and joy are coupled with nervousness and anxiety. The Shari’ah hasn’t given detailed guidelines for the first night.  Every time the husband and wife have intimate relations, it should be a ‘first night experience.’  There are general etiquettes which a couple must adhere to for a successful relationship. A few things to keep in mind for the first union with one’s spouse:

1)     Upon meeting the wife, the husband should recite,

اللَّهُمَّ إِنِّي أَسْأَلُكَ خَيْرَهَا وَخَيْرَ مَا جَبَلْتَهَا عَلَيْهِ وَأَعُوذُ بِكَ مِنْ شَرِّهَا وَمِنْ شَرِّ مَا جَبَلْتَهَا عَلَيْهِ

(O Allaah, I ask You for the goodness within her and the goodness that You have made her inclined towards, and I take refuge with You from the evil within her and the evil that You have made her inclined towards).”[i]
The wife may also ask Allah for the goodness of the husband.

2)     The couple should be very gentle, compassion and considerate of each other.  The husband should try his utmost to make his wife feel comfortable.  Likewise, the wife should try her best to make her husband at ease.

3)     It is very important for the husband to make light hearted conversation with his wife.  He should make her feel comfortable and safe.

4)     It is not necessary to have conjugal relations the first night.  The husband should gauge the reactions of his wife and see if she is ready.  If she is tired or is not too co-operative then the husband should respect her shyness.

5)     If the couple decide to get intimate, the couple should recite the following before unclothing:

بِسْمِ اللَّهِ اللَّهُمَّ جَنِّبْنَا الشَّيْطَانَ وَجَنِّبْ الشَّيْطَانَ مَا رَزَقْتَنَا

In the name of Allah, O Allah, distance shaytaan from us and distance shaytaan from that which you grant us.[ii]

And Allah Ta’āla Knows Best