I am not sure whether I should go ahead with marrying a girl I have agreed to marry?

Question:

I saw a lady for marriage in another country, I agreed to accept her in marriage.  I came back to the UK and I found the procedure very long and time consuming.  I am also not assured in my heart if I want to marry her.  Can I come out of it? Am I breaking any Shariah law if I come out of it? It has been 7 days of my meeting the lady at her house.

We are not engaged, nor any kind of official ceremony took place.  We met and we agreed to marry in the future.


Answer:

 

In the Name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful.

 

As-salāmu ‘alaykum wa-rahmatullāhi wa-barakātuh.

Marriage is a very important affair.  The lady a person marries will be his life partner.  She will share the husband’s joys and sorrows.  It is not like buying a car or a laptop where a person can return, sell or exchange at will.

You might be nervous or scared on the prospect of marriage hence you now have doubts.  Do not act merely on emotions.  Think carefully before reaching a decision.

On what basis are you having second thoughts?  Remember, a woman should be primarily married due to her piety and conformity with the Shari῾ah.  Likewise, you should look out for a lady possessing a noble character.  Beauty should also be considered, but it should be secondary.  How many marriages are ending today merely because the couple were hasty and ran after beauty?

Think carefully before you decide to withdraw from this engagement.  Perform istikhārah and consult Allah Ta῾ālā.  He will guide you the best of affairs.  At the same time, consult with your family and any scholar you feel comfortable with.  Be open and explain all the reasons why you are having doubts.  Do not rush in ending this engagement.  Weigh all the advantages and disadvantages.

The method of offering istikhārah is as follows: First two rakāt of nafl salāh should be offered. Thereafter, the following ῾ā should be made with full concentration: 

اللَّهُمَّ إنِّي أَسْتَخِيرُك بِعِلْمِك ، وَأَسْتَقْدِرُك بِقُدْرَتِك ، وَأَسْأَلُك مِنْ فَضْلِك الْعَظِيمِ ، فَإِنَّك تَقْدِرُ وَلَا أَقْدِرُ ، وَتَعْلَمُ وَلَا أَعْلَمُ وَأَنْتَ عَلَّامُ الْغُيُوبِ اللَّهُمَّ إنْ كُنْت تَعْلَمُ أَنَّ هَذَا الْأَمْرَ خَيْرٌ لِي فِي دِينِي وَمَعَاشِي وَعَاقِبَةِ أَمْرِي وَعَاجِلِهِ وَآجِلِهِ ، فَاقْدِرْهُ لِي وَيَسِّرْهُ لِي ثُمَّ بَارِكْ لِي فِيهِ ، وَإِنْ كُنْت تَعْلَمُ أَنَّ هَذَا الْأَمْرَ شَرٌّ لِي فِي دِينِي وَمَعَاشِي وَعَاقِبَةِ أَمْرِي وَعَاجِلِهِ وَآجِلِهِ فَاصْرِفْهُ عَنِّي وَاصْرِفْنِي عَنْهُ ، وَاقْدِرْ لِي الْخَيْرَ حَيْثُ كَانَ ثُمَّ ارْضِنِي بِهِ

 

When you reaches the underlined words, one should think of the thing for which he/she is making istikhaarah.

Generally, to go against a promise or an agreement is a very grave matter.  The Prophet salallahu alaihi wasallam said, 

“Four traits whoever possesses them is a hypocrite and whoever possesses some of them has an element of hypocrisy until he leaves it: the one who when he speaks he lies, when he promises he breaks his promise, when he disputes he transgresses and when he makes an agreement he violates it.[i]  (Sahīh al-Bukhārī hadith no.2459)

However, if you generally feel that getting married is against your interests and that you fear a life of marital discord and conflict, then you genuinely withdraw from the agreement with good conduct.  In such a scenario, you will be excused if you act contrary to your promise.[ii]

We make du῾ā Allah guides you to the best decision.  Amīn.

 

And Allah Ta’āla Knows Best

 

Mufti Faraz Ibn Adam al-Mahmudi,
www.darulfiqh.com

 


 


[i] وفي صحيح البخاري
عَنِ النَّبِيِّ صَلَّى اللهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ قَالَ: ” أَرْبَعٌ مَنْ كُنَّ فِيهِ كَانَ مُنَافِقًا – أَوْ كَانَتْ فِيهِ خَصْلَةٌ مِنْ أَرْبَعَةٍ كَانَتْ فِيهِ خَصْلَةٌ مِنَ النِّفَاقِ – حَتَّى يَدَعَهَا: إِذَا حَدَّثَ كَذَبَ، وَإِذَا وَعَدَ أَخْلَفَ، وَإِذَا عَاهَدَ غَدَرَ، وَإِذَا خَاصَمَ فَجَرَ ” (رقم الحديث 2459)
[ii]  فتاوى محمودية ج 11 ص 161 إدارة الفاروق
وفي شرح الحموي على الأشباه
قَوْلُهُ : الْخُلْفُ فِي الْوَعْدِ حَرَامٌ .
قَالَ السُّبْكِيُّ : ظَاهِرُ الْآيَاتِ وَالسُّنَّةِ تَقْتَضِي وُجُوبَ الْوَفَاءِ ، وَقَالَ صَاحِبُ الْعِقْدِ الْفَرِيدِ فِي التَّقْلِيدِ : إنَّمَا يُوصَفُ بِمَا ذَكَرَ أَيْ بِأَنَّ خُلْفَ الْوَعْدِ نِفَاقٌ إذَا قَارَنَ الْوَعْدُ الْعَزْمَ عَلَى الْخُلْفِ كَمَا فِي قَوْلِ الْمَذْكُورِينَ فِي آيَةِ { لَئِنْ أُخْرِجْتُمْ لَنَخْرُجَنَّ مَعَكُمْ } فَوُصِفُوا بِالنِّفَاقِ لِإِبْطَانِهِمْ خِلَافَ مَا أَظْهَرُوا وَأَمَّا مَنْ عَزَمَ عَلَى الْوَفَاءِ ثُمَّ بَدَا لَهُ فَلَمْ يَفِ بِهَذَا لَمْ يُوجَدْ مِنْهُ صُورَةُ نِفَاقٍ كَمَا فِي الْإِحْيَاءِ مِنْ حَدِيثٍ طَوِيلٍ عِنْدَ أَبِي دَاوُد وَالتِّرْمِذِيِّ مُخْتَصَرًا بِلَفْظِ { إذَا وَعَدَ الرَّجُلُ أَخَاهُ ، وَمِنْ نِيَّتِهِ أَنْ يَفِيَ فَلَمْ يَفِ فَلَا إثْمَ عَلَيْهِ } ( انْتَهَى ) .
وَقِيلَ : عَلَيْهِ فِيهِ بَحْثٌ فَإِنْ أَمْرَ { أَوْفُوا بِالْعُقُودِ } مُطْلَقٌ فَيُحْمَلُ عَدَمُ الْإِثْمِ فِي الْحَدِيثِ عَلَى مَا إذَا مَنَعَ مَانِعٌ مِنْ الْوَفَاءِ .قَوْلُهُ : وَفِي الْقُنْيَةِ وَعَدَهُ أَنْ يَأْتِيَهُ لَا يَأْثَمُ .
قَالَ بَعْضُ الْفُضَلَاءِ فَإِنْ قِيلَ : مَا وَجْهُ التَّوْفِيقِ بَيْنَ هَذَيْنِ الْقَوْلَيْنِ فَإِنَّ الْحَرَامَ يَأْثَمُ بِفِعْلِهِ وَقَدْ صَرَّحَ فِي الْقُنْيَةِ بِنَفْيِ الْإِثْمِ ، قُلْتُ : يُحْمَلُ الْأَوَّلُ عَلَى مَا إذَا وَعَدَ وَفِي نِيَّتِهِ الْخُلْفُ فَيَحْرُمُ ؛ لِأَنَّهُ مِنْ صِفَاتِ الْمُنَافِقِينَ وَالثَّانِي عَلَى مَا إذَا نَوَى الْوَفَاءَ وَعَرَضَ مَانِعٌ ( انْتَهَى ) . (ج 2 ص 464 إدارة القرآن والعلوم الإسلامية)



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